Self-Care. Let’s keep this real.
Sometimes, just the mention of “self-care” is enough to send our stress levels skyward. It’s likely that your To-Do list as long as your arm. Your circumstance is probably that you can’t take an afternoon nap, even just for 20 minutes, even when the baby is sleeping. We may have no childcare and sometimes, even just making a cuppa tea or coffee and drinking it while it’s hot is a challenge enough. And let’s be fair, one that you’ve likely not won for a long time… But, there are still ways that you can support your own happiness and wellbeing through… Self-care. Or, would you prefer I call this self-maintenance. Self-care seems to be a pretty loaded term recently and for good reason but we should all definitely be in agreement that self-maintenance is pretty non-negotiable.
Before we look into this, let’s define what “self-care” or self-maintenance means, because I’m sure that we can all agree that taking a trip to the grocery store alone although might feel like a holiday, really is not the act of self-love that is going to pull you out of or prevent mental health unwellness or dis-ease.
Being a primary caregiver to a baby, toddler or preschooler can be a pretty intense experience, not only for the physical movements and stresses on your body but also to your senses. Lots of small touches can actually stimulate a stress response. Being “touched out” is another way of saying that you’ve been touched so much that your brain is thinking that you are under attack. Seriously, when your senses get overwhelmed with too much touch, it sends signals to your brain that you are not safe and you are under attack.
What can you do about it?
What can you do when you are alone in your home? You may have a baby in a carrier, you may have your baby asleep in your arms. You may have a clingy toddler who simply won’t leave you alone and a living room littered with toys and laundry and a kitchen that has no clear space.
Get yourself a notebook and a pen.
Now, I’d love for you to go out and buy yourself a beautiful notebook and lovely pen, but if that’s not an option, literally the back of an envelope and a pen is all you need.
Journaling: What do you write about? The answer to that is, anything you want. You can write your feelings down, write out all the things that have annoyed you in the past 24hrs, write a letter to someone with all the things you want to say to them. Write a letter to your baby. You could even just write down a list of emotions. You could write a fantasy about what you would do if you had a free day and money was no issue. There is a very interesting podcast on A Science-Supported Journaling Protocol to Improve Mental & Physical Health in a podcast by The Huberman Lab that you may wish to check out.
Doodling: You don’t have to go the whole hog like these videos below but just making shapes on the paper is enough.
List Making and filtering: Write a list of everything that you need to do and examine it. You’re likely juggling a lot of balls. Assess it. Some of these balls are made of glass and some are plastic and some aren’t even yours. Are you juggling your partner’s balls? Ha! Sorry, couldn’t help myself. Anyway, consider this a self-care task. Lighten your load.
Try a bit of mindfulness mediation.
If you’ve never tried it, it can be hard to believe the benefits of it. You don’t have to sit in a quiet room for half an hour to achieve the benefits of it either. Here’s my most favourite ways to practice some mindfulness:
Open a window and stand there, watching, listening, smelling, feeling the air on my face. That’s it. It might be 2 minutes, it might be 30 seconds but it just helps me to slow down and relax a little.
When you can - keeping it real, I know you can’t do this every time, when washing your hands, take that extra minute or so to really enjoy the temperature of the water and smell of the soap.
I love a pot of tea. Not for the actual tea but personally, I find the process peaceful. I use loose leaf tea in a pot, simply because I like the sound as I drop in the leaves and pour on the water. It floats my boat, it may or may not float yours, but have a think about what you might enjoy.
Could you get in touch with others?
Speaking to a friend over the phone or in-person can help to dramatically reduce your stress levels and make you relax.
It’s actually proven that even casual, friendly interactions with others, such a short chat with a cashier, a bus driver, a delivery driver can all signal to our brains that our world is safe and help our bodies to be calmer. Check out this article on why small-talk is good for us. Or, if you haven’t the time, energy or inclination to do your own research on this, you can just take my word for it.
Do you have sensory overwhelm?
Being touched out and overwhelmed is likely a sensory issue. By treating it as a sensory issue, it helps to pinpoint what you need. It’s not so easy as that though, is it? For many of us, sensory challenges are new knowledge. It’s not just autistic kids, we all have sensory needs and we all suffer from sensory overwhelm at some point. What can you do in the name of caring for yourself to help your system overcome sensory overwhelm?
Light tough or heavy touch? Lots of light touch from your children might mean that you could really do with some heavy touch, specifically, a massage. We haven’t all got partners who will pound our backs or feet. What about rolling a ball on your back over a wall? Or even… Really scrubbing the dining table or a floor might feel like you’re getting some heavy work in that counteracts that pent-up feeling of being touched too much. Add in some warmth and you could have a bath or if that’s not achievable, what about a weighted shoulder pack?
Are you overwhelmed with all the noise? What about earplugs? Not noise cancelling earplugs if you need to be aware of what’s going on in the room, but I’m talking about noise dampening ones. Earplugs that just turn the volume down.
What other senses of yours could you treat? What about smells? Essential oils can feel really good. Or what about taste? Could you treat yourself to a really tasty drink or snack but with this, the trick is not to wolf it down as you are dealing with tantrums, find a time when you can be undisturbed, even if just a minute or two, close your eyes and have a mindful moment as you really make the effort to taste it, feel the texture and enjoy it.
Clutter is also a real sensory challenge. Studies have shown that clutter really does cause stress. Check out this article. Of course, you could attempt to KonMarie. That is a big job and unlikely to be achievable if you haven’t even got the time for a quick nap, but saying that, it wouldn’t hurt to be mindful about what comes into the home and if you really need to clear a desk… This is probably really bad advise, but could you sweep it all into a box and put a lid on it?
If you struggle with sensory overwhelm, I highly recommend you check out Warrior.OT on Instagram or Facebook. Larissa Geleris, Warrior.OT herself is a occupational therapist who helps parents with their own sensory overwhelm.
I know, I know… This isn’t the type of self-care that comes to mind when you could really do with an all-inclusive break to The Maldives, or even just a bath and a glass of wine or a night out with friends. But just because you can’t go all out with “self-care”, doesn’t mean that you can’t do anything or that simple moments won’t do anything to help because a little is better than nothing. I know these things seem really basic, but it’s just those small gestures to yourself to show yourself that you are not a basic being, here solely for the benefit of others. You are a wonderful human being with wants and needs and of beautiful value to the world.
