Unmet Needs In Infants and Children
I was having a chat with a mother in regards to sleep training and in particular, the Ferber Method. I love analogies and so went into a tale of imagining, in order to understand the process of having a need as a person without the ability to effectively communicate or meet their own needs. This analogy works for any age infant or child.
Imagine this: you are sitting on the sofa but unable to get up. Your partner is in the kitchen and you are hungry. You, much like your baby or child are unable to directly communicate your needs in a way that is clear to the person who is able to help you meet that need.
You call out to your partner, “I’m hungry” and so, for reasons which are unknown to you, whether that is that your partner doesn’t understand what they are being asked to do, or they have decided to do what they feel is necessary for you, i.e. wait 3 hours for your next scheduled meal - dinner, they come over and give you a hug for 2 minutes and then go back in the kitchen. You think, “that’s nice, but I’m still hungry”, and so you call out again, and your partner comes right back and hugs you for 1 minute this time. After the hug, again and without saying anything, they go back into the kitchen.
By this time, you are likely confused and frustrated. Why are they not bringing you food? In respect of sleep training, when you signalled this way before (for a baby who is being sleep trained, this would be in the daytime), they brought you food. You’re really hungry, you were so busy all day that you forgot to eat lunch and it’s now 3pm, and you’re ravenous.
You call out as loud as you can, “I’m hungry!” because, don’t forget, you are an infant or child who does not yet have the development or tools to effectively communicate, so you cannot say please can you bring me some food?”. Your partner comes back and this time hugs you for 30 seconds and walks off.
Question: If that were a baby or a child with undeveloped understanding and language skills, what would you do?
We know that infants and neurotypical children start to be able to self-soothe around age 3yrs. Before that ability to self-soothe starts to develop, when that individual infant reaches the edge of their window of tolerance, the arousal increases until either a mature brain (reliable and responsive adult caregiver) co-regulates with the primitive/undeveloped infant brain, or the brain shuts down to conserve energy. In the case of sleep training, a baby crying uncontrollably until they pass out is seen to be asleep but actually, the baby has gone into the freeze response.
Some children may internalise their emotions, some may externalise them. If the child’s window of tolerance is wide, they may be fine to wait until this unmet need is met. Maybe that need never gets met. If that’s you, maybe you’d like to go on over to The Holistic Psychologist’s page for some support in understanding how your own unmet needs as a child may have impacted you and in how to release and heal from that. Or maybe it didn't bother you. This will be determined by your temperament and the emotional support received.
It’s really important to look beyond the behaviour of children. Neurodivergent people often communicate differently and if you are “listening” to your child through a neurotypical lens, you might not be able to decode what the communication is trying to tell you. Hitting you and rejecting you may be an underlying need to have you closer, the fear of rejection taking over and taking control. Or hitting (just using this behaviour as an example), may be a reaction to being overstimulated, or something else. As a parent to a child with suspected PDA and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, I know how hard that is to both figure out and process. I personally found it heartbreaking and I truly am not placing any judgement or assumptions as to what has led to this mode of signalling. I am very confident in my having nurtured and supported my children and when I have lost the plot and flipped out due to being completely overwhelmed, exhausted, overstimulated and all the things, I have always really made a clear and consistent effort to repair. We’re all human and no one can be perfect 24/7.
The point of this is that finding out the root causes for signalling/behaviour takes you a step closer to having your infant or child’s needs met. If we ignore the behaviour, that need will stay present.
I often say that sleep can be the indicator of what else is going on. Sleep and more-to-the-point, fractured or otherwise difficult sleep can be the body’s way of responding to a whole myriad of unmet needs, both physical and emotional. When we are able to decode the behaviours, we can help our infants and children to thrive.
Here is a very short and by no means exhaustive list of needs your infant or child might have during times when they need to sleep or sleep is expected of them:
They are not tired enough to sleep.
They are dysregulated.
They are hungry or thirsty.
They are uncomfortable (a hair wrapped around a toe, backpain, scratchy PJs)
They are too hot or cold.
Their mind won’t shut-off and they have a million arousing (negative or positive emotions) swirling around.
They are anxious.
They are scared of the dark and there’s a really scary shadow in their room.
They have Restless Legs Syndrome.
They have a circadian rhythm disorder and they simply cannot sleep when they are being asked to.
If you need help in being able to figure out what your child’s difficulty with sleep is, get in touch and we can investigate.
