Making a Nurturing Environment for Your Child’s Sleep
I often talk about the need for a nurturing environment. As with most things, what allows neurodivergent people to thrive is also great for neurotypicals. When your child is really struggling, I encourage you to really go back to basics, laying that foundation for nurture and connection. We all need to be seen, be heard and be loved and accepted for who we are and supported. This post was written with neurodivergent families in mind, especially with PDA families in mind but the content is easily transferable for all families. Take from it what you need.
For families with children who are at the stage of or approaching burnout, I will not ask you to make changes that may feel like unwelcome impositions on your children - especially for those with the PDA sub-type of autism. Changes can sometimes be perceived as a threat to safety as familiar is safe, new is not. There are ways to increase the feelings of safety without making those big changes. I wouldn’t recommend implementing visual routines for those with PDA children although this really can help those with other types of autism and… As contraversial as this sounds, for those kids with PDA who are not in a heightened stress state, I would suggest you see if it helps but keep it as a guide and not a determined “This is what we’re doing.”
What is a nurturing environment?
Let’s go right back to basics. As human beings, what are our first experiences of nurture? It’s the loving arms of our parents and caregivers or even the experiences in the womb. It’s warm and cosy, with no bodily needs being unmet. It’s the evenings where we are snuggled up in soft blankets in the evening light, snuggled up to someone who loves us and makes us feel safe. Well, let’s see if we can recreate that, even if it’s just part of it. This is not all or nothing. If we can’t do one thing, we see what is the next best thing, can’t do that? What is the next best thing? And so on. Let’s get straight into this.
Lighting
Some people are more sensitive to lighting then others but our circadian rhythms are dependant on lighting to stay within the 24hr cycle. Your situation might need you to focus more on these environmental triggers for circadian rhythms, especially if you or someone you care for has issues with getting to sleep, Delayed Sleep Phasic Syndrome or Non24 (this obviously isn’t a be all and end all. Those situations require far more than environmental support). Bright lights (with more blue spectrum light) signal to our brain (the suprachiasmatic nucleus to be exact) that it’s morning and to expect at least 12 hours of wakefulness. See why people like me question screen usage close to bedtime? If your child uses screens to regulate, try blue light-blocking filters or glasses to see if it helps. Also, I haven’t come across research that studies the effects of screens for neurodiverse kids and takes into account the regulating effect of them so if it is what is working for you, please don’t shame yourself on it, you are doing what works for your kiddo. When the sun goes down and the light starts to dim, that signals to our brains that nighttime is coming and melatonin production needs to start. It gets to the point of inducing sleepiness (as melatonin is the sleepy hormone - not a sleeping hormone, if you get what I mean - it helps to send us to sleep not to stay asleep) around 1-2hrs after it starts production. Therefore, 2hrs before bedtime, dim the lights or switch to lights that are more red/amber in colour. I hope you are imagining this: a dimly lit, cosy room. It will look red-ish in tone and looks warm and cosy, even if it’s a cold room. In the summer months, even when it’s still light outside, I still put those side lamps on for those environmental signals to my children that it’s the evening. We don’t have curtains at all in our living areas and in the bedrooms, we have thin blinds and I still do this. What can I say? It works for us. If your child is sensitive to light, get some blackout curtains or blinds to help that space be conducive to sleep.
Temperature
This has always seemed counterintuitive to me. Warm baths make me feel tired (in fact, I tend to wake myself up in the bath from my snoring echoing off the sides of the tub), being wrapped up in blankets make me feel tired, but just as the sun goes down and the change in the lighting in our environment signals to the brain to produce melatonin when the sun goes down, it gets cooler too, right? A slight temperature change also signals to the body to start production of melatonin (don’t forget, melatonin helps us to fall asleep, it doesn’t help us to stay asleep). So, to make the environment nurturing for sleep, the room needs to be slightly cooler than daytime temperatures. If your child likes this sort of thing, what about warming their sleepwear, dressing gown or a light blanket in the drier for a short time before bed?
For the point about the bath, a bath before bed is suggested to be part of bedtime routines because when your body drops in temperature after you get out can help to trigger melatonin release. Personally, having a bath before bed does not work for me and I have not seen a difference for my kids either, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t work but a suggestion that it doesn’t work for everyone. I also found that a bath before bed was such a hassle that it just wasn’t worth it. It always resulted in late bedtimes and there just wasn’t the time for me to get the kids in the tub after dinner.
Sounds
Research shows that white and pink noise can help us to sleep better. This is not a hard and fast rule for all but it’s worth a try. My son does not like the typical white/pink/alpha noise/music but, he does like a fan blowing on his head to sleep. I think it’s partially the sensation of the moving air on him, but also the sound it makes. That’s just my son figuring out what works for him. There are lots of different types of sounds that can technically help with sleeping (there’s always exceptions to the rule). If you have Spotify, search for these different types of music and experiment with them: White noise, pink noise, alpha music.
Textures
What feels nurturing? Cosy textures. Is your child sensitive to textures? If they love fluffy, do fluffy, if they need heavy, use heavy, with weighted blankets, weighted (bean-filled) stuffies, if they need crisp sheets, that’s what is going to float their boat. It’s likely that they will be more inclined to go with soft. Softness is nurturing to us. Thinking outside the box, what about a cushion to hold on to with sequins, a big Squishmallow, what about a gel-filled stuffie? What can you have in that environment that can draw your child in to comfort them?
Smell
You are your child’s safe person and smells are incredibly impactful to our system. Smells are closely linked with memory and scientists believe that this is the case as the olfactory system (smell) takes a direct path through the limbic system (emotions and memory). https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2020/02/how-scent-emotion-and-memory-are-intertwined-and-exploited/ I recommend to mothers of babies that they stuff a receiving blanket, or sheet into their clothing and wear it for the day, to impregnate it with their smell. For toddlers and beyond, for them to do the same with a stuffie or their pillowcase. If your child is about to start daycare, preschool or school, I would recommend your child take with them a stuffie that smells like you - smells like safety, home, and belonging. Even if your child is much older, they will still have the same triggered response of smell and emotion. You can also use scents such as lavender oil which has had studies conclude that it reduces anxiety. It is important to use it with caution, being careful to use a child-appropriate amount. The study linked here used lavender taken orally, I cannot recommend doing this, especially ensuring quality of oil is important as many commercially produced oils are synthetic or additives that are not meant to be ingested and I do not believe there is any guidance or FDA clearance for it to be used orally. If you were to use a vaporizer to release it in the environment, be aware that it may be an irritant to the system through the nose, sinuses, etc. Many people use it in a spray format to have it on pillows or bedding. If you are happy to do this, maybe you could use it on other things too outside of bedtime like on a coat if your child struggles to leave the house? https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6007527/
Activities
There are occasions, when I might suggest that the only activity in the bedroom is sleep but, when you have a child who struggles with the process of bedtime, one way to help support your child is to have the bedroom to be associated with preferred interests and connection. I have yet to recommend an iPad in bed (but it may happen as it depends on the situation entirely) but, if your child is passionate about video games, what about if part of a bedtime routine was to be in the room with your child where you ask them questions about their favourite video game? Or you have a collaborative drawing session where you design a video game level or character? Or you play with toys as if they are in a video game? What can you do to engage with your child so they feel connected to, seen for who they are and loved?
I am thinking of children with PDA when I write this. Quite often, in times when the threat response is activated, following requests are perceived as a threat and a “bedtime routine” if you call it that will be a direct threat to autonomy. I do not recommend making any part of your bedtime routine to be something that your child perceives as a threat and language is very important. If bedtime has been made to be a battle, there’s a lot of repair work to be done and I would recommend other ways of going about things but regardless of the situation, I would encourage you to be as fully on board and genuine with what you do. Are you tired? I bet you are. Try this:
At a set time every day, change the lighting in your home and let your children know it’s time for the iPad to go away (unless your child is at a point where this is a trigger to their feelings of safety - remember, always tune in to your child’s individual needs. If this is a big issue, how about we do the next best thing, swap them from being on a small screen that they are close to which doesn’t allow much else to be in vision except for the screen but swap to the TV, which although likely bigger, sitting at a distance will allow part of the environment in the peripheral vision. Whenever something is impossible (in this particular example, ending screentime while staying untriggered), what is the next best thing? What about a suggestion of “Hey Bud, what are you playing? You go and find a YouTuber play the game on YouTube, “Hey Bud, do you want to check out this YouTube with me of *insert name of YouTuber* playing *particular level*?” Or something, it highly depends on interests. By asking them to do it together, it’s opening it up for you to be part of their preferred interest and to allow a piece of connection. Yeah, I get it, you can and shouldn’t fake your enjoyment of something - and of course with PDA kids, they are lie detectors BUT, I bet you want to connect with your child. Focus on your desire to connect and hopefully your child will see and lap up that genuine desire. If your child is truly in burnout and communication is limited, don’t push to get spoken word from them. Place the opportunity for them to engage and be patient and calm.
After a set time (set by yourself), “Buddy, I’m feeling tired, can we go in your room so I can lay down in your bed and I’d love to hear about your favourite levels on *insert video game*”. On the way to bed (an this bit is important), gather everything you need: snacks if it’s been more than 2 hrs since your child last ate, drink, books whatever and try to be first so you are leading the way. “I need to use the washroom, do you want to go first?”, “I’m just going to brush my teeth, you wanna join me?” And if they say no, that is fine. You are modelling a bedtime routine here and if they are not ready to participate, that is OK, with time and safety, they will. Now, this is a time for us to address expectations. Does it matter if you child goes to bed without having washed, cleaned their teeth or changing into sleepwear? No. No it doesn’t. If this sounds like your child, that’s OK. One day, when they are feeling safe and happy, they might delight in a new pair of PJs on the feeling of being naked under fresh sheets, for now, it doesn’t matter. In fact, for children who struggle with the sensory assault of changing clothes, I will even suggest to you to have them dress after an evening bath (if they can do that) in casual, comfy clothes that they can wear the next day (hurray for joggers!) because, if that makes your child feel safer and happier, isn’t that the best thing? Or, if a bath isn’t part of the evening routine you do and your child is sensitive to the temperature change of clothing, could you warm up their clothing in the drier.
A nurturing environment is just that, it’s a safe, cosy space for your child to bask in the love and adoration of their caregivers. Never, ever lock or trap your child in their room. Never send them there in anger. Do not allow their bedroom to be a space of reprimand or punishment. Yes, they will in all likelihood have times when there are screaming and full-blown panic attacks and meltdowns in there. I’m not talking about that. Make the space a safe space to do those things if they need. Allowing it to be a space where their emotions are welcome and that you will be there for them. If they are melting down, give them the space they need with you being close, unphased or unruffled by their emotions. Their emotions are safe with you. You are their safe space. You are part of the nurturing environment.
Now all of this is relatively generic. Our children, like ourselves, are individuals with individual needs. I hope this serves as a guide to help you in making a nurturing environment for your child for sleep. If you would like support in tailoring the environment to your child and your home, I am here to support you. If you would like 1:1 support (In BC, Canada, if your child has over 6 autism funding, you might be able to get my services directly funded with their funding). Click the link to set up a call so you can tell me about your situation and I can let you know what my approach is for you to see if you would like to take my support further.
